Heaven and Women’s Woes


You know how people sometimes think about who they’ll see in heaven, or what they’d like to ask or learn about? I want to have a sit-down discussion with Eve.

Yep, of all the choices, all the great, learned minds, all the famous and infamous folks who may or may not be there when I arrive – I choose Eve.

The first woman in the world, the one who was so anxious to be wise and to acquire knowledge. I feel quite sure that she and I have a lot in common, probably she’s slightly impatient and, I imagine, quite fond of contemplation. After all, since she was alone with Adam and he quite probably either ignored her or forgot anything she said, she likely had lots of time to think about things.

Too bad she couldn’t have done a little more thinking when it came to the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Too bad she couldn’t have been a bit more patient in wanting to learn things. Of course, back then, they lived a couple hundred years or so, so the patience issue is relative.

But back to that Tree. See, Eve was tempted by Satan, disguised as a serpent. She’d had a lot of time on her hands lately, time to think about life, the universe, and everything (just a brief eluding to Douglas Adams here); and she probably had a lot of questions. Naturally she gave in to temptation. And we all know her punishment: banishment from the Garden of Eden, pain and suffering in childbirth and motherhood, and – more than likely – all the messy stuff that accompanies womanhood.

And she passed that all along to all women.

Now seriously – wasn’t banishment from Eden enough punishment? I understand it was a wonderful place, a place anyone would have their real estate agent check out. Beautiful trees and flowers, cute, furry animals, probably waterfalls and pools and – I’m sure – perfect 75-degree, sunny weather. Did God really have to throw in all that woman/childbirth/suffering stuff as well?

Yes, I trust God and I know He has a plan. But still. For about 40 years, or half a lifetime, a woman must suffer headaches, cramps, grouchiness, clumsiness, sleeplessness, messiness, etc., ad finitum. Is this really fair? And of course, you can throw in embarrassment and tension, because when all that starts it’s so highly unpredictable – and when it’s coming to an end as well. Misery, thou are woman, indeed!

So, first I want to ask Eve what the heck she was thinking, even though I’m pretty sure I know; then I want to ask God a few questions, you know, about fairness and all. Of course, I have a lot more questions for God Himself. Then again, if, when we get to heaven, we are bestowed with all knowledge, from all time, it won’t be necessary to ask – I’ll already know. Unlike Eve, apparently, I’m not in that big a hurry, I can wait a bit longer.

You know, I really think that Eve was trying to get Adam to stand up and take charge; instead, he went along with her decision and blamed her when things went south. Typical. So Adam really was the progenitor of all males. It doesn’t take science to figure this out this one. I guess men’s punishment is living with us during PMS. Tee hee!

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