Healing Relationships?

My son mentioned this in our online chat last night. I should probably clarify by starting at the beginning:

Apparently, his caseworker told him that I “knew” he’d been online until all hours, and exactly what he’d searched for, as well as the contents of his emails. So he changed his passwords. Now no one can monitor his Internet use, since it seems his foster parents have zero restrictions on the computer.

And it’s awfully nice to know that the state sanctions the viewing and transmission of pornography. You know, even though it’s against the law and all.

At any rate, he said he wanted a visit – at a restaurant. Fun. Then he asked what information I had obtained on his Internet usage. I told him I might, or might not, have anything incriminating, and that he’d just have to wait until the trial on July 7th. He said he “didn’t do anything wrong”, so therefore I must have nothing.

After our brief messaging session, he called me and asked, again, what I had “on him”. I responded with the same line: he’d have to wait to find out; I also mentioned that, since he said he’d done nothing wrong that he must not have to worry about it. After a few choice words, he told me not to bother to come to the meeting on Friday.

Fast forward to last night. He asked if I was coming on Friday, and I said yes. He said I’d told him I wasn’t – conveniently forgetting that HE had told me not to come. Sigh.

He wanted to know if he was in trouble.

He wanted to know what I “had” on him.

Again. I told him that since he claimed not to have done anything wrong, he shouldn’t be so worried. Again.

He asked about the potential trial outcome, and accused me of trying to get rid of him. In spite of the fact that he’s said, several times, that he wants to remain in foster care.

I told him, again, my “bottom line”: that he recant, apologize, and abide by our rules.

He said he would apologize. To me and to his dad. For what had happened.

I was rather flabbergasted. I thought that surely all the stress and strain would finally be worth it, that my son had finally developed a conscience, that he really did care about us and loved us, and that he could come home.

It didn’t last. The conversation quite deteriorated from this point.

His belief, quite erroneous, is that he was removed from our home because he and I argue a lot and that we don’t get along.

In fact, he was removed from our home because, over the past couple of years, he has refused to do schoolwork, refused to follow our simple rules, refused to obey the law, refused to accept help. He was removed by his own actions, his seeming inability to tell the truth, to distinguish truth from fiction, property damage, and violence.

I told him that was the wrong answer to my question of why would he apologize, and for what…. He said it couldn’t be wrong, because it was an apology. Um, no – he told me he WOULD apologize, but he didn’t actually do it.

Then, without further ado, he went right back to his theme of “so, what do you have on me?”

“Tell me.”

“Enlighten me.”

“I’m curious.”

My every response was “no, you’ll have to wait.”

So we’re stuck, again. He has not changed, he was only saying he’d apologize in order to get me to admit to having evidence; and his apology was apparently not going to include any admission of his own horrible behavior and his guilt.

I really do think this is the last hope I had. It’s the closest he’s come to at least acting like a normal, loving, caring individual. I don’t know what else is left.


One comment on “Healing Relationships?

  1. hopeannfaith says:

    You are in my prayers. I have the same issues, but mine is 22. It’s like one minute they understand and like the air being immediately released from you very lungs you realize it all subtrafuge. My heart aches for and with you. They are our boys, we love them, but they are responsible for their own actions.

    Know you are not alone. Know someone is praying and know that in his own way your boy does love and care for you and yours. They are just broken by a world that has lied to them.

    Hopeannfaith (Andrea)


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