This is a new syndrome, let’s call it SAS. Since I can’t manage to find anything in the DSM (doesn’t mean it’s not there), I’m going to diagnose myself with this new disorder.

So I have a few projects on the table. By “few” I mean, oh, a dozen or so. Some days it seems like twice that many. The church Easter egg hunt; the church picnic; 8th grade graduation; Easter dinner; my boys; my husband; my in-laws; my outlaws; a lawsuit; a mortgage; the very last session of school (which includes algebra). I think those are the main ones.

Anyway, I’ve discovered a novel new way to avoid all the stress associated with these things! Bet you can’t wait to hear it, right?

Avoidance. Or procrastination. Whichever. Of course, “PS” for “procrastination syndrome” doesn’t have the same ring as SAS; besides, it’s pretty well-documented already.

Here’s how it works:

1. Make a list. Do whatever on the list will help you reach the end of the project. BUT – you must also be distracted by Facebook, earning a living, and the multitude of thoughts of OTHER projects which constantly interfere with your incredibly organized chaotic mind.
2. Go back to Facebook. Nothing is getting done anyway.

Let’s see, that takes care of the first two. Oh, wait, the very first one is actually happening in a few days…scribble, scribble. Okay, done! Moving along…already made a little progress on that one, the next one is month away, no problem; ditto on the third. Hmmm…Easter dinner? Well, probably just be a few people, or maybe a few more…good thing my longer-term memory isn’t quite shot and I can remember past dinners and – voila – that’s done, at least in my head. I guess you reach a certain point where you don’t HAVE to make a list for a little thing like a holiday dinner.

Or it’s going to turn out incredibly bad.

Either way, check it off! Move along:

Boys. And husband. Same thing. Hmmm. Yeah, they’re all okay. For now. Let’s stop there, ‘cause, shoot, why worry unless it’s something that’s either A) dire; or B) imminent.

In-laws. I feel bad, I really do, but previous suggestions have not been well-received, so…move on. I guess. I still feel bad.

Outlaws. Whew, this could be a whole blog post in itself! If you’ve read any previously posted rants, you’ll know that my mother ended the 160+ tradition of our family farm, including passing it along to the kids/grandkids. I could seriously shove her off her precious mountain for this, so it’s probably a good thing I don’t live anywhere near her and have zero intentions of heading out that direction until her funeral. And probably not even then.

When you have a mother who, with a straight face and in all seriousness says “it’s MINE and I can do what I want”, there isn’t a lot of recourse. When she totally ignores your feelings and your MATCHING offer in order to sell to a total stranger, what’s left? When she lies to you about things she said, so you start to feel like YOU are the crazy one, you have two choices: fall apart, or put her on complete and total ignore.

I did the latter. The former remains to be seen; I’ve had a nervous breakdown scheduled for two years now, but haven’t had time. Yet.

Let’s see, where was I? Oh, yeah, the lawsuit. The ongoing, Bleak House-type lawsuit which was undertaken because my narcissistic mother said we could NOT ALLOW anyone to sell the farm because that should BELONG TO US. Six years now, and $18,000 later…well, you can see why I’m a bit stressed. But the way to avoid this is to just let it die. And so I shall. For now. Perhaps I could reschedule after my nervous breakdown?

Mortgage. Buying a house. Downpayment, closing costs, all that jazz. Yikes. ‘Nuff said. Ignore.
And last, school. Can’t ignore this one, already missed a quiz because I read the date wrong. Math is so not my forte. Not. Ever. And it makes me feel stupid which, at this point, I totally cannot afford to be.

Too many balls in the air – ignore, ignore, ignore. Only works to a point though.
Which is why I have a syndrome, SAS. Makes perfect sense, right?